


The Light and The Dark

by Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle



Series: Celestial Bodies (My Love For You) [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Captain Ennoshita Chikara, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, I'm Sorry, Jealous Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama has anxiety, Legit why is everything I write Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Social Anxiety, Space Analogies again, i promise it gets happy, light and dark, poor kageyama, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 17:42:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9396086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle/pseuds/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle
Summary: Hinata Shouyou shines brighter than the sun. Kageyama Tobio is as mysterious as the night. But for some strange reason - theywork.





	

**Author's Note:**

> As always, for [doodledevil](https://www.instagram.com/doodledevil/).
> 
> A note: I personally have a headcannon that Hinata learns when his energy is appropriate and when it's really, really, not... Which is why he may seem a little OOC. His energy is still there, and he still insults Kageyama just as much as Kageyama does him, but he knows when to be calm. So. Yeah.
> 
> _I never know what to write in Author's notes?_
> 
> Slight Panic Attack warning!! If you want to skip it, stop at "Tobio waits for the familiar light to fill him" and ctrl+F to "You think I'm going to stop being your friend?"

_Light is the left hand of darkness and darkness the right hand of light._

_Two are one, life and death, lying together like lovers in kemmer, like hands joined together, like the end and the way._

**_\- Ursula K. Le Guin_ **

* * *

Hinata Shouyou shines brighter than the sun.

Since the first time Tobio noticed him, really took in his light and passion, he has relied upon Hinata to chase away his darkness. The older boy is always the brightest person in the room, casting friendly warmth over everyone in his vicinity.

And Tobio is serious when he says everyone; Hinata is friends with everyone, making friends with even the least sociable people. He’s the complete opposite of Tobio, and everyone knows it - everyone yearns to be close to the sun.

To _his_ sun.

And Tobio knows he shouldn't, but every time he watches someone else stand besides his flame he burns with jealousy, his innards burning brighter than Hinata’s hair.

He can't help it.

He knows Hinata doesn’t belong him, and he feels bad for getting jealous, but… Hinata is the best friend Tobio has ever had. He cares so much, and under Hinata’s warm caring glow Tobio can feel himself _flourish_. Is it so bad that he wants to keep that glow close to him?

Before Hinata Shouyou, Tobio never knew what love felt like.

He never knew that a tiny crow with hair the color of fire could make a nest in his heart and roost there comfortably. He never knew that the sight of a boy on a bike riding towards him could make his heart do somersaults.

He definitely never knew that loving someone like Hinata Shouyou could make his heart feel as if it could fly towards the sun - and he never knew it hurt so much to keep his heart caged.

Now that he knows, though, he’s sure he never wants to let that feeling go.

* * *

Kageyama Tobio is as mysterious as the night.

Even after knowing him for over a year, the boy remains an enigma to Shouyou. He’s quiet (compared to himself or Tanaka, that is), a bit gloomy, and he hides his emotions in the shadows most of the time, mysterious as a moonless night.

And yet, Hinata Shouyou loves his best friend with all his heart.

Kageyama is not perfect, and Shouyou is the first to admit it. He is easily angered and his face can be scary at times. He has no idea how to deal with people in social situations. He pushes people to their breaking points, and he is easily antagonized.

Kageyama is far from perfect.

And yet… He is such a good friend to Shouyou, better than any other friend Shouyou had ever had. The times where Kageyama shows that he cares about Shouyou are memories the older boy holds close to his chest, sparkling like diamonds in the dark.

_“Toss to me!”_

_“I’ll bring the ball to you, just trust me and jump!”_

_“As long as I’m here, you’re invincible.”_

The last sentence was one Shouyou constantly repeated to himself, for it was the truest. When Kageyama was around him, he really was invincible - he always played his best when his friend was around.

Kageyama makes him feel as if he could fly.

Shouyou isn’t sure when he crossed the line from _Kageyama is my best friend!_ to _Oh god, I’m in love with Kageyama_. Stepping over that boundary had been easier than breathing, somehow, and he’d crossed so long ago he no longer remembers not loving the younger boy.

It’s become a part of him by now.

He just knows he never wants to stop being in love with his best friend - even if he’s never able to tell him.

Having Kageyama by his side is enough.

* * *

Tobio is not a confident person.

Sure, he’s confident in his tosses and his ability to use the talents of another player to their best potential, especially if that player is Hinata. He’s confident on the court, _too_ confident maybe.

But when it comes to his personality, Tobio is anything but confident.

He knows he is unlovable. He knows more than anyone else that his attitude is distant at best, intolerable at worst, and he knows it’s why he doesn’t have many friends.

Before Hinata, he had never really known love. His parents were always distant, working in Tokyo four to five days a week and leaving him at home to fend for himself. He’s always been an only child, alone by himself in his too-big empty house that creaks when the wind blows. Even his teammates had never really cared about him. Until Hinata had come around he’d had nothing.

But now...

Now Hinata has introduced to him the concept of family, of happiness, of warmth. Hinata had brought him into the older boy’s house and introduced him to his sister and his mother as if it was the most normal thing in the world, and they’d all been so bright and friendly - just like Hinata himself.

Really, it’s no surprise at all Tobio has fallen for his best friend.

The other boy fills him up with light, makes him feel like he can be confident even when he’s terrified. Even the thought of Hinata gives Tobio strength.

The thought of Hinata loving him back, however, seems statistically improbable.

Hinata is so warm and friendly. He could be with anyone in the entire world, and that person would be so lucky to have him.

Tobio, however, doesn’t deserve Hinata’s love.He’ll never be pure enough to hold a ball of sunshine in his hand, and he’d never even think to try - he’s too scared of being burned.

He instead resigns himself to being Hinata’s friend, because if that’s all he’s going to get, then he’s damn well going to enjoy it.

* * *

Shouyou has always been good at reading people.

He’s always prided himself on understanding how people thought, how they felt at any given time. By his second year at Karasuno, he’s even able to read Tsukishima’s expressions. Not as well as Yamaguchi, of course, and he’s still not sure if he’s in Tsukishima’s good books or not, but he can read most of the taller boy’s faint expressions by now.

Of course, Kageyama is the person Shouyou can read the best, but he’s also the person he has the most trouble reading.

Kageyama is so transparent, at times. Shouyou knows what makes him happy, or upset, or angry. He knows just what to say to get Kageyama’s spirits up on a bad day, and knows when to back off and give the younger boy space because he needs it. He can read Kageyama’s feelings almost as well as he can read his own, most of the time. There are times, however, when it’s like Shouyou can’t understand his best friend at all. Times when Kageyama seems to shut off his emotions, hide behind the walls Shouyou’s worked so hard to crack open just a bit, where he chooses to lock himself away from the world.

Away from Shouyou.

It’s at those times that Shouyou struggles to understand his best friend. He has no idea why Kageyama locks himself away, what he’s thinking that makes him feel as though he can’t face the world.

Shouyou longs for the day where Kageyama lets him be privy to those innermost thoughts, not that he actually thinks it will happen. He wishes that Kageyama trusted him enough to tell him what he’s thinking, but he understands that he can’t.

Shouyou understands Kageyama more than anyone else, after all. He understands that Kageyama has been through so much in such a short lifespan. He can understand that Kageyama finds it hard to open himself up to friendship - to love - after not having either of those readily available to him for so long.

He just wishes Kageyama could see himself the way Shouyou sees him.

Kageyama is ethereal. He’s hidden in night, cloaked protectively in the shadows he’s forged for himself, but Shouyou _longs_ to show him the beauty of light. The beauty of love.

_Shouyou’s_ love, specifically.

See, Shouyou’s known since he was a first year that the feelings that burn in his chest every time he sees Kageyama aren’t platonic. He hadn’t bothered freaking out about it, either, since most of the team was dating each other anyways and it didn’t make much of a difference to them or to him.

The problem is, of course, that Shouyou has no idea if his best friend likes him back.

He’d known Asahi liked Noya back when he’d first seen them interact, he’d picked up on the frankly _obvious_ chemistry between Daichi and Suga fairly quickly, and he’s caught Tsukishima’s eyes following Yamaguchi more than once. He’s always been good at reading people, after all, and attraction is almost child’s play to him after so long watching people.

Except, of course, when it comes to Kageyama.

It’s so frustrating, not knowing whether Kageyama likes him back, but Shouyou knows it’s better to be safe than sorry, so he never says a word.

Losing Kageyama’s friendship is not a chance Shouyou is willing to take.

* * *

It all falls apart on a sunny day in June.

Tobio knows it’s his fault. The day had started off badly and only became progressively worse as it wore on. A bad grade on a test, too many missed throws at practice. He feels off. _Wrong_.

Tobio had promised Hinata the previous day that he would come over to work on a project they’d been paired up for, but by the end of practice, he’s seriously considering begging off sick. Hinata would understand, he’s sure.

But the thought of going home to an empty house right now makes him feel physically sick, so he wearily drags his feet to the Hinata household and stays as quiet as possible.

Normally, the Hinata household fills his chest with a foreign light that he knows only originates from being around the bright family. He adores Natsu, Hinata’s younger sister, and greatly admires Hinata’s mother. He’s never met Hinata’s father - the man had apparently died around the time Natsu was born - but he’s sure that if he had, Tobio would have respected the man just as much.

Today, however, he can barely muster up a hint of a smile for Natsu, and only nods in reply to Hinata-san’s cheery greeting. He feels heavy, like there’s a block of lead sitting in his chest.

They’ve been working on the project for about an hour, Hinata maintaining a steady stream of chatter that comforts Tobio and makes him feel a bit better in his own skin, when Hinata pauses mid sentence and goes, “Kageyama-kun? Are you alright?”

Tobio starts, and the wrong feeling is back.

“... Fine.”

He hesitates before he answers, and instantly he can feel Hinata’s eyes on him. The other boy’s voice is uncharacteristically soft.

“Are you sure?” He asks. “We can stop for today, if you want. Do you want my mother to take you home?”

Tobio waits for the familiar light to fill him when he hears the concern in Hinata’s voice, but instead all he feels is dread. He doesn’t deserve a friend like Hinata. Hinata is far too good for someone like Tobio. There’s no reason he’s friends with Tobio. There’s no reason he’ll _stay_ friends with Tobio…

“Kageyama? Kageyama-kun?”

Hinata reaches for his arm and Tobio flinches violently. Hinata’s eyes fill momentarily with hurt, but they immediately switch back to concern.

“Tobio?” He says, voice soft as if waking Natsu from a nightmare. Tobio dimly recognizes the use of his first name, but the bad feeling has only gotten worse, seeping into his mind like shadows in the night. His mind is stuck, repeating ‘ _Bad. Bad. You messed up. You’re a failure._ ’ over and over again. He can barely breathe.

But suddenly warm arms are around him, and Hinata is speaking calmly about something Tobio cannot understand but he’s no longer drowning. He feels a little better until he looks into Hinata’s eyes, and-

“Why are you still here?” The words burn his throat like acid. “Why are you my _friend_?”

Hinata’s eyes well with sadness. “What?”

“ _Why are you my friend?_ I don’t deserve friendship at all, let alone a friend as amazing as you! You’re eventually going to leave, I know you will, everyone does, but when? And why haven’t you? You don’t make any sense!”

“You think I’m going to stop being your friend?” Hinata says, and Tobio can hear the emotions in his voice, but he can’t decide what emotions they are. Sadness? Betrayal? Concern?

Warm arms retract from his sides, leaving him cold and empty.

“You’re friends with everyone,” Tobio says, wishing he could curl up in a ball forever and never come out again. “I could never deserve a friend like you. I will never be enough, and one day you’ll leave. I know it, you know it…”

Tobio’s voice fades off and he longs to bury his face in Hinata’s stomach, but he chooses instead to tuck his head into his neck and not look at Hinata.

“ _What?_ ” Hinata says, and his tone is incredulous, as if what Tobio says has never even crossed his mind. “You think I’m going to leave you?”

Hinata laughs, and it sounds wet. “After all the work I put into getting you to toss to me? To talk to me? You think I’m just going to _leave_?”

Tobio looks up at Hinata to see that the normally bright boy has tears running down his cheeks.

“When will you get it into your head, Bakageyama, that you are good enough for me? I’d be nothing without you, dumbass! You are so perfect to me, don’t you get it?”

_What? Is it possible?_

“You think I’m…”

“Perfect? Yeah, dumbass, I do.” Hinata is smiling through his tears now, soft and yet so bright, and Tobio can’t stop the words from tumbling from his mouth.

“I love you.”

Tobio slaps a hand to his mouth, feeling sick. The wrong feeling has returned in full force. No matter what his friend had said, there’s no way he’ll want to remain Tobio’s friend after a confession. It’ll just be too awkward.

He stands up and stumbles out of the room, hand clasped tightly over his mouth as he quickly leaves the Hinata's’ home.

Tobio doesn’t let go until he’s home, where he coughs up his lunch into the toilet and rests his head against the cold porcelain, feeling even worse than he had that morning.

He’s ruined everything.

* * *

Kageyama isn’t at practice the next day. Ennoshita tells Shouyou that Kageyama had texted him and told the captain he’s sick, but Shouyou doesn’t believe the younger boy's excuse for a second. He resolves to go over to the younger boy’s house as soon as possible.

Shouyou goes through the rest of the school day as if in a trance. It’s weird, not having Kageyama by his side in classes to make faces at when he’s bored. It’s weird not having someone to eat lunch with. It’s weird, having to face the world without his best friend by his side.

Before practice starts, he corners Ennoshita and explains to him that he’s going to bring Kageyama the homework, and that he’s missing practice for the afternoon. Thankfully, Ennoshita seems to understand, because he sends Shouyou on his way without a fight.

Shouyou’s been to Kageyama’s house before, and it’s always struck him as cold and untouchable. He hates to imagine Kageyama growing up in such an environment, so different from the warm and loving house Shouyou was raised in.

As he winds his way towards the Kageyama household, he desperately tries to plan what he’s going to say.

Obviously, now that Kageyama has confessed, everything has changed. Shouyou had felt like flying when he heard those words fall from Kageyama’s mouth, only to be brutally grounded by the boy’s hasty exit. And now…

Shouyou could only hope that Kageyama will listen to him.

Knocking on Kageyama’s door feels like taking ten english finals; it sits like lead in his stomach and makes the seconds before Kageyama opens the door feel like years.

When he does open it, however, Shouyou feels like crying.

“Kageyama… You look…”

He looks terrible, to be honest. Red eyes are lined with dark bags from a sleepless night, his hair hasn’t been brushed, and he’s curled protectively into a blanket as if it can protect him from Shouyou's wrath.

Shouyou can feel tears welling up in his eyes, and he coughs to clear his throat. It’s his fault Kageyama looks so terrible. He _has_ fix this.

“Kageyama-kun… Can I come in?”

Kageyama stares at him for a moment and then steps aside and opens the door wider. It’s a clear invitation, and yet the fact that his friend hasn’t said a word yet worries Shouyou immensely. He follows Kageyama into the living room and sits gingerly on one of the couches, preparing to speak, but Kageyama interrupts him.

“If you’ve come to insult me, or my feelings, you can leave right now.” His voice matches the rest of him - it sounds dead, as if it has not been used in a thousand years. It surprises Shouyou so much, in fact, that it takes him a moment to respond.

“Kageyama, I would never.”

Kageyama laughs bitterly, and the sound shatters Shouyou’s heart like glass. “Then why are you here? To tell me you don’t want to be my friend anymore? To ‘let me down easy’? Because I’m sorry, Hinata, but if that’s why you’re here I don’t want to hear- mmph!”

Shouyou barely realizes he’s acted before he’s pulled Kageyama to him, crashing their lips together in a frenzy that is both meant to shut up the younger boy and convey to him what cannot be said in words. He feels Kageyama tense, incredulous, and then slowly, slowly, begin to relax into the kiss.

When they finally pull apart, Shouyou’s eyes glue themselves to Kageyama’s face. He’s waiting to see if Kageyama will let himself be read, or if he will shut himself away behind his walls and keep Shouyou out.

To his dismay, he begins to see the walls in Kageyama’s eyes go up. “Why did you-” The younger’s voice trembles, and Hinata feels like crying again.

“Can’t you just accept that I love you?” He whispers. “Can’t you just accept that I don’t _ever_ plan on leaving you, at least not if I can help it? You promised me the top of the world, dumbass. You promised to make me invincible. I’m not letting you leave until you uphold your end of the bargain - and even then, I’m not leaving until you tell me to go. So you better believe me when I say this, Bakageyama, because I mean it - _I love you_. I love you so much, and I will spend an eternity proving it to you if I have to.”

And Shouyou can see the beginning light of understanding peeking out from behind the darkness covering Kageyama’s beautiful eyes, breaking the walls down slightly.

It’s not going to fix everything. Words aren’t going to hold forever.

But if Shouyou spends his life showing Kageyama he is loved by the sun, his life will have been worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr: [fandoms-are-my-lifestyle](http://fandoms-are-my-lifestyle.tumblr.com/)


End file.
